


i have loved you since we were 18

by happiphrog



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Diary/Journal, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, How Do I Tag, Love Confessions, M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Sort Of, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?, this is the most domestic thing i’ve ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:02:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24060265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happiphrog/pseuds/happiphrog
Summary: phil reads dan’s diary in which dan wrote that he loved philgood lord i’m bad at this
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 39





	i have loved you since we were 18

**Author's Note:**

> i swear this was gonna be fluffy then my brain was like “oh haha you no longer have any ideas except for this smutty one” so now there is like a paragraph of smut so i don't really know what to rate it 
> 
> yes the title is a one direction song fight me
> 
> i am literally surviving on 3 hours of sleep, fanfiction, and mini chocolate muffins

Dan knew it was stupid. Childish. But it helped him to write something down when the world was a blur as random images seemed to float aimlessly around the pool of his thoughts, but were being blown about viciously by a hurricane. So he wrote. Wrote whatever he was feeling, needing to have something to look back on when he was finally able to wrangle his thoughts together. 

The very first entry read, “October 18, 2009.” It was the day before meeting Phil. He was scared at first, then excited, then terrified again, and back to overjoyed. He had gotten the notebook for his 15th birthday, but never really had a reason to use it, until that day. 

The cover was a simple black, a small ribbon the same color threaded into the spine, marking where he’d left off. The diary had several hundred yellowish pages stuffed into it, but by now, the pages were somewhat frayed, with about half of them covered in Dan’s untidy scrawl. 

It had been years since 2009, but writing had become a habit. Sometimes he wouldn’t even write, just scribble over a page in an attempt to release the emotional tornado whirling inside his brain. 

It was currently about noon, and Phil was in the living room filming a video, so Dan figured he could write something down in his room before shoving it back under his mattress. This was one of the days where his thoughts were racing and flying about his head, never actually landing to form something coherent. 

A few days ago, Dan had just come up with a new video idea for them, and wanted to run it by Phil. He was in the process of typing it all down in his phone when he swung open Phil’s bedroom door. 

Now, Dan and Phil had been living with each other for awhile now, it was a surprise it hadn’t happened sooner, but it was still just as a shock to Dan, because there Phil was, pants around his ankles, and a hand around his dick. 

Dan isn’t sure why he decided he needed to tell Phil about the idea right away. He also isn’t sure why he decided not to knock this time, or why the universe seems to hate him so much. He almost never enters Phil’s room without knocking, but the door was slightly ajar, and who masturbates without bothering to close the door all the way? Besides, Phil almost never knocks when he comes into Dan’s room.

But Phil hadn’t even noticed him for the first few seconds. His eyes were closed, and he was wearing headphones with the volume turned up so high that the music nearly hid the wet sound of hand on skin and the puffs of breath that escaped Phil’s parted lips with every exhale. The ones Dan might have heard if he had enough sense to think before barging in.

He should’ve left. He _wanted _to leave. Only he’d forgotten how to walk, and he could hardly bring himself to blink, much less look away. Dan had fallen into a trance, and before he knew it, Phil was coming. His eyes squeezed even tighter as he came, back arched and toes curled, letting out a sharp cry, before shuddering and straightening out again. His eyes then fluttered open, panting, before seeing Dan flee from his room, the image burning into Dan’s mind.__

It was all he could think about, Phil and his black hair sticking to his forehead with sweat and his hand around his dick, flushed red and leaking.

What’s worse is that Phil doesn’t bring it up. And he’s behaving in a way that Dan never expected: completely normal.

Okay, maybe he’s overthinking it. Or maybe Phil is underthinking it. It’s hard to decide. It’s kind of hard to think about things objectively when he can’t stop replaying the whole scene in his head. When he can’t help but remember Phil with his head thrown back, eyes closed, cheeks flushed, lips parted ever-so-slightly. The way his back arched and his toes curled. The groan that followed.

Dan looks down.

“ _Fuck _.”__

\-----------------

After his hot shower quickly becomes cold, one Dan realizes he might have to actually acknowledge this.

But this isn’t the kind of stuff you can just bring up, so he writes about it.

About how it’s unfair that Phil can act like nothing’s wrong when it’s haunting Dan’s every waking moment.

About how it’s unfair that Phil has to be so cute with his little humming as he cooks, or the way he sticks his tongue out slightly when he laughs. The way his nose crinkles as he smiles and how he looks so damn pretty all the time, with his pale skin contrasting with his beautiful black hair and his--

_Holy shit _.__

It hits him like a truck. Dan stops writing.

_I-I’m in love with my best friend _. The uninvited thought pops up into Dan’s head in bold letters.__

How long have I not known? Dan frantically flips through his diary, back all the way to the first entry.

_October 18, 2009. ___

_Uh, so I guess I write in a diary now. I don’t know, I guess I’ve never had the need to. But, tomorrow I’m meeting Phil. And I don’t know how to feel. Some part of me is ecstatic, but another part of me is horrified. What if he doesn’t like the way I sound in real life? What if his webcam made me look more attractive and now he thinks I’m too ugly in real life to tolerate me? God, I don’t know why, but I just desperately want him to like me. I guess I like the way I feel when I’m with him. I just feel more free, less like I have to pretend. And his laugh, god, it’s the kind of laugh that makes you feel fuzzy inside, makes butterflies seem to escape from the pit of your stomach and make it like the sun had somehow toppled down from the sky and made a home right there in your heart. He had the kind of laugh that makes you feel happy to be alive, I guess. His smile does it too. And Phil’s eyes? They’re like three colors at the same time, and they’re always shining bright, like he’s happy to see me. And I guess that’s just what I want. I guess I just want him to like me still. ___

\- d

Dan rereads the entry over and over again, letting his former self’s words wash over him. He reads the next few entries. They’re basically all the same. God, how could he not see it before? He was- is - totally in love with Phil, Jesus Christ. He flips back to his most recent entry and adds, _Holy fuck, I’ve been in love with Phil fucking Lester since I was 18 _.__

____

____

“Dan!” Phil’s voice echoes from the hallway, and Dan jumps up, dropping the diary on the floor as Phil swings the door open. “Hey, you wanna watch some anime?”

Dan nods, trying to subtly shove the notebook under the bed with his foot, leaning one hand awkwardly on the side of the bed. “Yeah, sure.”

Apparently Dan’s not as secretive as he thinks he is, because he suddenly sees Phil’s eyes dart down to where the diary is half hidden.

A small glint appears in Phil’s eyes and a smile slowly creeps its way across his face as he gestures to it and says, “Whatcha got there, Dan?”

Dan shuffles awkwardly, trying to hide the notebook and trying to seem nonchalant, but is failing. “Nothing.”

Phil’s smile seems to get even wider, trying hard not to laugh. “Nothing?” He takes a step towards Dan and tilts his head to get a better view of what Dan was hiding. “Daniel Howell,” he says in between small fits of laughter, “Were you writing in a _diary _?”__

____

____

Dan reddens, which only eggs Phil on further, inching closer to Dan’s bed, clearly aiming to pick it up. But before he can, Dan swoops down and grabs it, hugging it close to his chest.

“What?” Phil cocked his head innocently, the smile across his face as prominent as ever. “Don’t want me to see?”

Dan didn’t reply, but the daggers his eyes were shooting at his friend said enough.

“C’mon, lemme see it,” Phil pouted, bottom lip jutting out, his pretty, multi-colored eyes wide and pleading.

“No.” Dan’s response was curt as he turned to walk out of his room, only to be stopped as Phil reaches his hands around Dan’s body and tries to grab the diary.

Fuck. Dan’s senses are suddenly heightened at his friend’s chest presses against his back.

“Phil!” Dan squawks indignantly, as Phil grins cheekily, arms still wrapped around Dan, hands unsuccessfully trying to get ahold of the diary.

“C’mon, just a tiny peek?” Phil whines, as Dan turns to face him and holds the diary above his head, standing on his toes.

“No.” Dan said again, a small smile making its way across his face, the friendly banter finally something normal. There’s enough space for Phil to wriggle his arm between them and poke Dan in the stomach, causing him to snort and fall slightly forward. Phil’s grin returning to his face as his fingers creep up Dan’s sides, the light tickles prompting laughter to bubble up and erupt from Dan’s mouth.

“You twat,” Dan manages between giggles, temporarily forgetting the problem at hand, hands struggling to push Phil away, but due to their close quarters, ends up knocking them over onto his bed.

Phil was laying on top of Dan, who was breathing heavily, struggling to regain his composure. Both of them were sprawled out like starfish on his bed. Dan was still clutching the diary in his hand, only now his hand was laid out on the bed, and Phil took advantage of this. Laughing from the sheer silliness of the scenario, he shoots his arm out and snatches it from Dan’s hand.

Dan’s eyes widened, suddenly realizing this wasn’t a game anymore. Whatever laughter and giddiness was left died faster than the wisps of smoke disappeared after the candle flame had been blown out. Phil was actually going to read his diary. _Fuck _. Dan frantically sits up, arms outstretched to retrieve his diary, only to be pushed back down by one of Phil’s hands, the other holding the diary up above his head.__

____

____

“Aw, c’mon Dan. We’ve been friends forever. What could I possibly _not _know?” Phil says, a single eyebrow raised, smirk dancing along his lips, daring Dan to say something. Dan tries to sit up again, getting more panicked by the second and Phil pushes him back down, moving to sit on Dan’s chest. His face is dangerously close to Dan’s as Phil pins his arms against the headboard with his free hand.__

____

____

_Shit _. Dan’s breath hitches, as he swallows hard, momentarily forgetting about the problem at the sight of Phil on top of him.__

Phil sits up slightly, so that he isn’t as close to Dan’s face anymore, but is still able to hold his hands down. He gave Dan one of those cute little smiles where his nose scrunches up and his eyes crinkle at the edges and Dan forgot what thinking was and just stared at the boy on top of him.

His smile was one of happiness growing, like how a spring flower opens. It came from deep inside to light his eyes and spread into every part of him. Phil smiles with more than his mouth, all genuine and sweet. It was beautiful. He was beautiful.

He’s jerked back to reality suddenly by the familiar snap of the elastic band that held his diary together coming off. Dan had about a thousand thoughts at once, but couldn’t actually mold them together to form a coherent word, much less a thought.

Phil places the diary on Dan’s chest, skimming through the diary with one hand, not really reading anything, just glancing at Dan’s messy scrawl. “You really write in this a lot, huh?” he giggled, looking up.

Dan doesn’t say anything, and averts his eyes.

“Hmm, how far does this date back, Danny?” Phil knows the nickname bothers Dan, and that’s exactly he uses it. He starts flipping all the way to the first entry, and Dan is wide-eyed as he helplessly watches him, frantic to stop him, but also frozen and unable to utter a word.

“October 18, 2009,” Phil reads aloud, and Dan blanches. _He’s reading it out loud, oh god, this is so much worse _. Phil looks over at Dan. “Aw, is this gonna be about me?”__

____

____

Dan swallows hard. _You have no idea _.__

Phil places his free hand over his heart and sticks out his bottom lip. “How sweet!”

“Phil.” Dan whispers, voice hoarse from disuse and anxiousness.

Phil hums in response, eyes already scanning over the very first entry. Dan watches as his eyes read the last words. Phil looks up, his smile slightly dimmer but full of fondness.

“You were really that nervous about meeting me?” He says.

Dan almost full-on sighs in relief that Phil hasn’t realized anything yet. However, his throat is still dry and his voice cracks as he murmurs, eyes focused on the dead houseplant on his dresser, “Never really had a best friend before, I guess.”

Phil hums again as he starts flipping through the diary again, and Dan swears his heart stops and he quietly chants please don’t find it, please don’t find it, please don’t find it, in his head.

“So, what were you writing about just now?” Phil keeps flipping, clearly going to the page, but wanting to fill the silence.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ___

Phil finally reaches the page, resting his face on his free hand, eyes scanning Dan’s barely legible handwriting.

Dan could feel his heartbeat — every single pound in his chest ringing in his ears. He lay there frozen, Phil’s right hand pinning his wrists to the headboard, his diary that contained every single secret he had ever had laid spread open on his chest as his best friend reads it.

Dan can’t tell if Phil has finished reading or not. Phil’s eyes are still moving, but they don’t seem to be going down the page. When Phil finally does look up, his smirk is gone, and his mouth is parted slightly, as if he wants to say something. Dan scanned his friend’s face desperately, searching for a reaction, good or bad. The silence stretched out, far longer than Dan liked.

“Phil,” Dan murmurs again, eyes pleading him to say something, anything. Phil doesn’t speak, slowly removing his grip from Dan’s wrists and clambering off him. He’s seated at the edge of the bed now, and Dan sits up on his elbows. He feels close to crying as he watches Phil sit back on his ankles, rubbing his hands over his face.

“Y-you’re in _love _...,” Phil finally speaks, voice raspy and hoarse from his dry throat and lack of use. “W-with me?” His hands are wrapped around himself, and his jaw is clenched tightly. “It’s not some cruel joke because you knew I would find it? You’re actually in love with me?”__

Dan stiffly nods his head, and breathes out a small, “Yeah.”

He doesn’t have time to be scared, because suddenly Phil’s lips are on his.

Phil moves his hands up to cup Dan’s cheeks, and he can feel Phil pulling him a little closer. Phil’s mouth is warm on Dan’s and he's trying to hold back a smile as Phil moves his hands up Dan’s back, strong and gentle.

Dan runs a hand around Phil’s neck and up into his hair, and with the slightest bit of pressure, Dan is opening himself up willingly to Phil, who slips his mouth open and his tongue dips in, and the kiss deepens and suddenly Dan can feel it everywhere. There’s a tightness in his chest, and he feels like he’s gonna cry, but he doesn’t, just lets the feeling wash over and fill him up.

They finally pull apart, and Dan opens his eyes to see Phil there, looking right back at him, cheeks flushed, smiling. His hair's a mess from where Dan’s fingers were running through it, and Phil cups Dan’s cheek tenderly, and leans his forehead against Dan’s.

“I’m in love with you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> yes i have used this ending in another one of my fics leave me alone i just really wanted to finish it cause its been like two weeks 
> 
> ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 
> 
> *throws self into volcano*


End file.
